Wanted: Cure for "swamp ass"

Some of us have a noticable problem that goes hand-in-hand with being a rider. The technical term is "Swamp Ass". While I know from casual observation that I am not the only one with this problem. My purpose here is to request advice for this issue. Perhaps nurse Elaine has a suggestion.

I am 48 years old. I sweat. I have not even started having those "power surges" yet, just wait until then! I'll be wet from head to toe! You baby girls in your twenties dont sweat, you glisten. But your day will come! Maybe you will glean something from this posting that you can reserve for the future.

Let's explore what options are out there.

WHAT TO DO?

I searched the internet and was able to come up with the following solutions from other blogs:


1. Do they make giant maxi pads specially designed for your this?

If you start getting swamp ass just throw on a pad or change yours.

2. Maybe "Depends"?

Not sure. They are expensive. Dont we spend enough on this hobby? And lets talk about how that would look. Talk about a big ass!! Are you getting the mental image of those horse show photos?

3. Gold Bond, green bottle.

I foresee a white-coated saddle.

4. Tenactin Jock itch spray antipersperant.

Really? We are women. I have not tried this, but I think there could be some uncomfortable tingling.

5. It's all about breathing room.

Neither britches, jodphers, nor riding jeans provide this. No help.

6. It's your core temp. try drinking lots of ice cold water immediately after working out to lower your core temp.

So now we need a Coleman cooler out in the ring.

7. I understand bag balm works well too. I know some cyclists who use it.

WHAT?

8. "Ever since my basic training, I've used the 'ol gold-bond-on-the-sack treatment. It's a must, dude. Keeps it cool down there, prevents chafing, that sort of thing. It's like freon for your...well. Anyway yeah that green bottle is something else. I've used the green when I was stationed in the south (SC), and it keeps ya cool and dry allllll day. In fact, it kinda tingles/burns all day, but if it's hot enough it's fine. Otherwise, I stick to the yellow bottle, it works for me."

Wow, a lot of imformation there. I kinda skeeved just reading that.

9. "Ms.' blow dryer down yonder...works wonders, towels don't get so funky, takes no time at all, no Gold Bond clean up."

Cheers to that image. (I knew Gold Bond would be messy! That was a close-one.)

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I take no comfort in learning that most of the sufferers of this affliction are apparently men. Here's my solution:
Let's install a bidet.
That or just donate my clothes to the goodwill, who will most-likely burn them.